For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
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I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
when someone rings the doorbell
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!