this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
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