If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?