boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
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road rage
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.