‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
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Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…