[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
You Might Also Like
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”