When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.