If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I ate everything, including the H.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.