today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
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My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead