Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
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I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
screw you
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket