I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.