Body by cheese-puffs.
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A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
the simulation is moving too fast
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?