Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.