I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Writing, She Murdered.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I have two kinds of followers
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag