The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again