The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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Thursday
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
We avoided this particular disaster
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.