Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
the Monday after daylight savings
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.