In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
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Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.