Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
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I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Life hack
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old