If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
seems fine
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I am also baked goods
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?