God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
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Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?