*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
This cat wants you to take your pills
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
So sick of all these stupid rules
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available