Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress