#NoRestForTheWicked
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My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?