Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
fair
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house