*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
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Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
all that yoga finally paid off
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.