My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.