my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
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This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
If you love someone, let them sleep.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it