psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
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Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.