I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.