I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
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astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.