People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
#catsoftwitter
me when i see my girls butt
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.