Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
who did the taste test?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”