Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.