A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what