All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
#SCOTUS one-star review
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix