[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
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You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
me, too, girl. me, too.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*jazz hands*
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.