A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
consequences, the bane of my existence
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.