Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go