Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding