Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Every. Damn. Time.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
The news in a nutshell.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”