My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
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Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.