For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
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I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
are there any atheist mantises?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”