[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
the saddest jazz hands ever
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair