If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
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[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
2 years later
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ugh not again