I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?