Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
You Might Also Like
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks