When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.