My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
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2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.