Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
getting old is fun
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!